Every now and then I catch myself thinking about you.
About the good ol’ days..
The first person I’d go to for advice and support, my favourite shoulder to cry on. A friend and brother in one.
You toughened me, gave me my sense of realism and sarcasm.
And I wonder if our drifting was for the better.
Did I do myself a favour that night, I didn’t reply to you? Were you the person I admired? Or did you actually live up to the rumours I heard about you?
Then I stop and think about what it would be like if you were still in my life. Would have everything spanned out to be different?
Would you nod your head in approval for the new beau? I’m sure you would’ve loved him. You two would’ve made great friends.
There are still bits and memories of you left in my life. And it makes me miss you.
And I think about how I needed you that year you left. How much I needed to feel safe, supported and reassured that everything would be alright. But you weren’t there.
It kind of sucks. Really sucks. I wish I could talk to you one last time. Know what you have thought and wondered for the past year and a half. To get all of this off my chest. And to know that I was of some value to you in your life.
Wrote this probably back in mid May. Came across this not too long ago. When I think back to when we first started, I can’t help but smile. You were so refreshing, you had me falling and slipping into your spell within weeks.
I’m already hooked.
I’m thinking about you at work.
Folding those Cafe Capris thinking about if you’ve texted me,
Thinking bout if you’re thinking of me.
I’m thinking about you endlessly
I’m thinking about your dark grey t-shirt, and how effortlessly good you always seem to look.
Thinking of how your eyes chink when you smile, and how it makes me smile.
And you’ve made me laugh and smile at the darnedest things.
Who would’ve thought, that in just two dates you got me.
The littlest things in my day remind me of you.
Anxiously waiting until you’re in town once more.
With anticipation I’ll text you after work. A good luck and goodnight.
With just one bat of your eyelashes, you can have anyone wrapped around your finger.
You’ve got a smile and a laugh that will light up an entire room.
You’ve been blessed with the most beautiful big brown eyes.
Whether they’re filled with tears or barely open from laughing so hard, there is only one person I see in you. When I look at you I think about how lucky we got.
Lucky that, you’re so beautiful. Lucky that, he hasn’t given you anything more than curiosity.
I can’t imagine how painful it would be if there were more than just that.
When I look at you, I see innocence. Completeness, and you need nothing more.
When I look at your face I think, “Thank God”. Thank God for such perfection. Thank God for such a favour. Thank God you’re face is full of happiness. And thank God I only see mommy when I look at you.
Sunday: Job #2, chilled with my cuñada, went home studied till 1AM
Monday: woke up early, studied, wrote my last exam, ran errands, went for a closing shift
Tuesday: a dragging 10am-4:30pm shift, then spent the rest of my day on a date :D
Wednesday: Got my long awaited Romeo Santos DVD. Job #2 in the evening
Thursday: worked at the Yorkdale La Senza & boat cruise with the homies in the night. (then got sick)
Friday: 10-4 shift while being sick and sneezy. Went home, “napped” for three hours.
Saturday: date with my little sisters.
I usually find that time goes by fast, this week we’ve entered the month of May. However this week in particular has been the longest week ever!! Maybe because I’ve had something to do every single day or I’ve been sleep deprived.. Maybe both. I’ve had sooooo many things back to back it’s ridiculous! I thought that with the semester over, I’d have some down time. I guess not quite. On the other hand, I’ve had some heavy money this week + I’ve been doing really well at J. Crew. And my date.. Ohh gosh I want to write about it but, a synopsis wouldn’t serve justice to the real thing thing! I’ve been hovering over the idea. It was only the first date, maybe I should wait?
The over flowing thought in my mind today is you. You really know how to leave an impression. From the minute I woke up, I thought of you. Whether you were in town or heading down Highway 8. Hoping that you were doing well with that Nissan of yours.
I can’t help but think, are you thinking of me? Are you thinking of last night? Because that’s the happy thought that’s getting me through the day. Your prize winning charm and optimism, has me saying “I can’t wait for the next time”. And further thinking, I can’t wait until all our future car rides home, pool games and nature adventures. You’ve enchanted me. Waiting anxiously for your arrival, and waiting to give you a welcome back/ “I’m so glad you’re here” hug.
The predominant thought seems to be, I can’t wait ‘till he gets his ass back to Toronto.
I don’t think that can ever be adequately answered. Sure we all imagine it in our heads, it’s inevitable.
Sure maybe some people can even list places and things they’d like to go and do, but that doesn’t even matter. He could take you to the CN Tower and you could have the crappiest time! Or simply just a walk in the park. It’s the conversation and time well spent that’s most valuable. Let the sparks fly, go with the flow. Let “grab a coffee” turn into spending six hours with a guy. Let it turn into something great.
A mild Spring day, Aaron’s birthday, the day I met you, a significant day indeed.
It’s been a year, and I haven’t heard a thing about you. I want to know where you are, and what you think.
Do you think of me? Because I still think of you.
Guess who I saw today. Trey. Always a sincere, friendly face to see. We said hi, smiled and hugged. Still carrying that signature scent of his.
“How are you?” he asked.
I paused, thinking of an appropriate answer; “fine” I said as my voice cracked.
He had noticed and pointed it out.
Right then and there, I felt myself about to burst into tears, wanting to tell him, “because I’m NOT fine! Do you know what today is?”
But I didn’t.
I held it in.
You know, because of you
I don’t feel safe anywhere.
Because of you, I’m even afraid of falling into a relationship.
You’re not the kind of person I want to tell people about.
And because I don’t, my guard is up.
And because of that, people that care about me will never know the legitimate explanation they deserve.
There’s a saying, “don’t let your past identify who you are”.
It’s brilliant, but I can’t preach that.
You’ve changed my life, without anyone’s say. What is there to do?
What is the resolution here?
There is none.
I remember the second last Tuesday of April like the back of my hand.
There was something in my gut that day.
I remember because while sitting in fourth period beside James, the voice in my head told me “this is wrong”, “something’s not right about all this”.
But I muzzled that voice.
The weather was mild I know because, I remember I wore a kilt that day— hitting it’s expiration date sooner than expected.
I remember your kind, endearing, dreamy- yet masculine eyes.
The kind of eyes a girl just couldn’t dare to ever say no to.
So I didn’t.